The Best Kept Secret in Overcoming a Stubborn Habit
The Best Kept Secret for Overcoming a Stubborn Habit
Ephesians 5:21
Do you feel trapped in an endless habit of porn usage, materialism and the love of money, or the search for satisfaction and happiness in the excessive use of alcohol or food? Have you tried and failed to kick the habit too many times to count? Discouraged? Tired of the struggle? Tempted to give up? Given up already? Well, take hope.
The best kept secret for kicking a life-dominating habit, that is, to put these cravings and desires to death (Rom 8:13; Col 3:5) and living free is your spouse, a person who cares and loves you & knows you better than anyone. My suggestion may sound foreign, even odd to you. Submit to my spouse? Well, I understand how strange it may sound. It’s a secret that most folks never consider when kicking a habit is being discussed. But it shouldn’t be a secret. So, let me show you from the Scriptures that there is a solid foundation for this suggestion.
The Foundation: Ephesians 5:21
First, let’s examine the context for the Scripture (Ephesians 5:21) we intend to grapple with:
15 So be careful to live your life wisely, not foolishly. 16 Take advantage of every opportunity because these are evil times. 17 Because of this, don’t be ignorant, but understand the Lord’s will. 18 Stop being intoxicated on wine, which is foolish and results in a waste of opportunities to do the Lord’s will. Instead of wasting opportunities through the excessive use of alcohol, keep on be filled in Spirit and the following results (wise results) will occur in your life: 19 speaking to each other with psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs; singing and making music in your hearts to the Lord; 20 always giving thanks to God the Father for everything in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ; 21 and submitting to each other out of the fear of Christ. Eph 5:15-21
Be Filled in Spirit
Second, it is important that we first clarify what Paul does not mean and what he does mean by “keep on being filled in Spirit.” The person of the Holy Spirit is mentioned three other times in Ephesians: 2:22, 3:5, 6:18. In each case, Paul is referring to the personal operation of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is a person, not a substance which can fill our personality in the same way that a substance such as wine can be fill our body. Paul does not say, “Become full of the Spirit,” though this idea is a common error people make. Wine and alcohol are a substance. The Holy Spirit is not a substance, but a person.
Since it is the personal operation of the Spirit that Paul has in mind, he means that, instead of seeking fulness, satisfaction, and happiness, as some people seek in using alcohol, Paul means, let your fulness, your satisfaction, be that which the Holy Spirit—as a person—produces in you. Develop your relationship with the person of the Holy Spirit. Seek and find your satisfaction and fullness is a relationship with the person of Holy Spirit. Develop this relationship as a habit for life. It is the key for knowing God’s will for us and to make wise use of the opportunities that come our way.
The Result of Finding our Fulness in the Holy Spirit
One of the natural fruits of the inner spiritual satisfaction and happiness provided by the Holy Spirit is mentioned in the next few verses: 5:19-21.
The last fruit Paul mentions of finding satisfaction in the Holy Spirit is the new ability to submit to other people in Christ’s Body. This means that when we develop a relationship with the Spirit of Christ and seek our fulness in Him, we will better understand God’s will for us and, God’s will for us may requires us to submit to another believer in Christ’s body. The good news is that the Spirit will enable us to do what seems impossible—to submit to someone else. The Holy Spirit will help us overcome the stubbornness we naturally exhibit.
The result will be, rather than living independently and in slavery, you will enjoy new enablement to submit to someone else. That “someone else” can be your spouse.
So, if there is a life-dominating habit you wish to break--materialism, greed, excessive use of alcohol or food, porn usage, constant anger, lying, deep resentments, use of nicotine, TV, sports, exercise, running, use of drugs, sugar, weightlifting, shoplifting, success, winning, the fear of missing out, gambling)—why not consider your spouse as an accountability partner in assisting you to put these unruly desires to death? Who else knows you as deeply as your spouse? Who else loves you and cares for you as your spouse? Who else has your best interests at heart? Who else spends as much time with you?
Steps for Moving Forward
If you are a man or woman, start renewing your relationship to the Holy Spirit. Call on Him for his help. Explain the details of your failure to Him. Remember, the Spirit is a person. Begin to seek your fulness and satisfaction in Him.
Obstacles to keep us from moving forward: Men: swallow your male pride, humble yourself, and ask your wife to consider becoming your accountability partner. Wives, you can do the same.
If both are agreed, then engage in a conversation so you can compose a workable strategy to move out of slavery and into freedom. Be completely honest about the depth and time-length of the stubborn habit. Hold nothing back. Explain to him/her what time in the day or where the craving for the habit becomes the strongest. The spouse needs to know all the ugly facts to strategize wisely and successfully. Remember: you spouse is on your side.
Some Practical Steps
Some practical steps to consider. So, for example, if the habit is porn, humbly submit the use of your phone or laptop to your spouse. If the habit is alcohol or food, humbly submit to the suggested guidelines, boundaries, check-ups, & answer all questions. Give permission to ask any question at any time. Promise you will refuse to get angry at your spouse for asking such questions. Refuse to lie. Commit yourself to tell the truth. In answer to a convicting question, refuse to say, “That is none of your business.”
If the habit is materialism or greed, then submit to the budgetary guidelines and the use of the credit card.
Strategize together. Read Romans 8 or Colossians 2:20—3:17 together. Memorize Colossians 3:1-7. Pray together. Celebrate weekly and monthly victories together. Walk the journey to freedom together. Openness, humility, trust, & honesty will add strength & joy to your marriage relationship and you can act more effectively as a team in parenting the children God has given you.
Look into your Future
Look ahead into your own future. Imagine yourself free from a life dominating habit and the encouragement and improvement there will be in your parenting and marriage relationship.
It Works
It works. It really does. The Scriptures provide a solid foundation for such a relationship. Why remain trapped and enslaved any longer? You were meant to live free from all masters except Jesus Christ! Absorb the hope that John Owen outlines for us who battle to put sin to death:
Set faith at work on Christ for the killing of your sin. His blood is the great sovereign remedy for sin-sick souls. Live in this, and you will die a conqueror; yes, you will, through the good providence of God, live to see your sin dead at your feet.[1]
Looking Ahead with Hope
Finally, consider this. God may bring someone into your life in the days ahead that needs your help. They may not know what to do. They, too, may be trapped and enslaved in an endless, life-dominating habit. They feel hopeless. You can help. You have personal experience that can be brought to bear to help them. You’ve been there, you’ve done that. You can make a life-changing difference for the sake for the sake of the Savior. What could be better than that?
Please don’t keep this best-kept-secret a secret any longer. Submit to your spouse and her/his wisdom and guidance, and experience the lasting freedom God meant for you to experience and enjoy.
Thank you for reading.
Tim Cole
[1] John Owen, The Mortification of Sin (Christian Focus Publications: Ross-shire: Scotland, 1996), p. 16.